I’m Reviewing a Diagnosis

EDITOR’S NOTE:

The late Ron Moody’s performance of Reviewing the Situation has alway been my favorite song from my favorite musical, Oliver! 

In 2013, after writing the first stanza of a parody, I’m Reviewing the Diagnosis, my Muse went quiet. While attending a dermatology conference in Vancouver (June 2015),  however, I was inspired by a Frenchman, two Brits and a Swede to complete the lyrics,  even finding a way to memorialize my hallucinations of a 20-foot rubber duck after a 60mg dose of prednisone in 2012.

For maximum effect, please CLICK FOR VIDEO to hear Moody sing the tune. One day I will get around to recording it.

I’m reviewing…
A diagnosis…
Of a problem that a patient brought to me.

I will use my…
Education…
To determine what the malady might be.

A malady you rarely see…
With any great rapidity;

A spot appears upon his head…
Could be salmon, could be red.

Perhaps it’s time to take a look.
On the “Net” or a textbook…

I think I better think it out again.

Dermatitis it might be…
Dermatitis is what I see…

There’s a rash the size of a dime on my patient’s head.
And now, a week later…
All I know is that it’s red.

I’m reviewing…
A diagnosis…
And a guess I guess Is what I’ll have to make.

And after careful…
Consideration…
Prednisone I’ll make the patient take.

I’ll give him lots and lots of it,
Even if he wants to quit.

And with a little bit of luck,
He will not see a rubber duck.

But now I think he’s got a curse…
‘Cuz all his symptoms are getting worse…

I think I better think it out again.

I’m reviewing…
A diagnosis…
I see his skin is turning bright bright red.

There is flaking…
Lots of flaking…
The symptoms are quite clearly red and shed.

Psoriasis it just might be,
The symptoms fit it to a tee.

But wait, there’s sparing on his thigh;
Perhaps I now should question why

The diagnosis is not firm.
Perhaps there’s more that I must learn.

I think I better think it out again.

Time goes by and he’s back to me.
Looking for a remedy.

A biopsy finally tells me what he’s got.
But wait, all it tells me
Is what it’s not.

I’m reviewing
A diagnosis
And need to find an answer really quick.

I’m a doctor
Filled with knowledge,
To help those who come to me quite sick.

So, I took another careful look,
Remembered something in a book;
Images came back to me
My patient might have PRP;

And I say that quite officially
And I’m truly very proud of me…

But, now I need to fix the treatment plan!


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